Felix's Birth Story
It's taken me days to process Felix’s birth, actually - weeks. I couldn't even begin to write about it until now. It was emotionally trying, challenging but truly amazing. It may have been the best experience I've had so far in life for many reasons, which is not easy to put into words. I wrote down my thoughts about it but it doesn’t nearly capture the essence of it since that is something within me. There is no way to tangibly describe it, its hard enough to describe what birth is like, let alone one that was so powerful and moving. I've been hesitant to post it because it is so personal and in a sense private. But if I share my story I hope that maybe someone out there might see that birth can be and is more than a lady on a bed screaming "get it out of me!!!". Because for me that is definitely not even close to what birth means. Its so much more than contractions and screaming. Birth can be kind, it can be intensely beautiful and it can also be a struggle.
Everything started off unexpectedly. Including the pregnancy. We were SURE as in 100% positive we will always be a family of 5. NO MORE KIDS. EVER! Obviously, that didn't happen. Fast forward 9-ish months. My midwife said she was going to be out of town for a few days which included my due date. I panicked because I hadn't yet met her assistant or her back up. I sent an email saying "I'm doing a free birth if I don't get to meet the midwives" which I admit, was a little overboard. I was in full throttle hormonal pregnant lady mode and not very rational at the time. They were all very understanding though, and we ended up talking a few days prior to the birth which lowered my level of crazy. I got over it by the time I went into labor. In fact when I went into labor I was just happy to have a midwife in the first place! But they were great the entire time and I had nothing to worry about.
Before labor started, I had gone on a "last date" with Eric to get sushi. Felix was kicking so hard I could barely eat and I ended up laughing most of the time about it. It felt like UFC cage fighting in my ribs, which continued until 2am. I thought babies calmed down before labor started, definitely not this baby. I didn’t feel weird and didn’t have any signs that I was either in labor or going into labor any time soon. I felt good and happy, not tired and gross like I had been - but maybe that was a sign.
With my previous babies, labor started with fierce and intense contractions. This baby again, was different. I began to get contractions that were mild but regular at around 4am. I started to time them until 6am, and as the sun was coming up I realized it was probably the real thing but wasn't totally sure. I was able to call everyone myself which was strange, since in the past I could barely talk at all or even think straight. I had no idea how this labor was going to go since none of the other ones started out like this. I wasn’t sure if it was actually happening but I thought it must be since I was feeling contractions that were very consistent and painful but not over the top horrible. My midwives and doulas arrived quickly after I called them. They were probably expecting a short labor since my previous babies arrived so quickly. I know I was sure this one would come flying out.
This baby had other plans. My labor started out slow and pain wise was not unmanageable, but proved to be emotionally trying because it was so slow and tolerable. It threw me off that it wasn't horribly painful, I could actually talk and breathe. But it was taking its time and that was really screwing with my head. Wondering when things would get worse and how long would it be unmanageable. Since my last birth was 90 min I was expecting the same. What I got was eleven hours at least of contractions that never got better or worse, they stayed consistent and the same pain wise the entire time which freaked me out. All I could think about was “is this going to get worse? And when?” It was such a mind game and thankfully one of my doulas was there to explain to me that “this is what you wanted, you asked for this - a slower birth and you are getting it”. I could not believe it... What I wanted and thought impossible was happening. This was the very thing that made me panic. How long it was taking and wondering when things would get harder. I wondered how intense contractions would get if this “easy” part was taking forever.
Besides my fears which would come and go - I'd get breaks, sometimes with contractions and sometimes not, where I would feel intensely full of happiness and I’d say "this is so awesome!" and “this is beautiful" while absorbing sunlight and appreciating the space I was given to birth. Again, this is difficult to explain - as I myself didn't know what a birth space was until I received it. Being allowed to do anything I wanted with zero concept of time and zero restrictions, going anywhere I wanted whenever I wanted with no judgement and in my familiar surroundings with people I love. My kids seemed to be enjoying it too. They would come and talk to me, feed me grapes, give me water. It was so sweet. It was surreal to have that kind of support through it all. At certain points, the pain didn't matter, the good feelings took over everything else and this cycle would repeat. I want to say it was a natural high but I do not necessarily associate "high" with feeling this way. It was better than just feeling high, I was balanced and whole. A feeling I never had before, where no matter the physical or emotional struggle that was happening, I still felt good inside and that everything was right. Even in the midst of contractions and emotional fears that kept creeping up.
Since I was outside most of the time, I was absorbing the sunlight, feeling its warmth and glow all around me and being grateful for such peace and calmness. The grass was vibrantly green as it reacted to the weather which was super dynamic that day. There were blooming flowers on the trees and everywhere else. It was synced with my birth process. The calm before the storm, the rain, the sun. It all went with what I was feeling and what was physically happening. It started out sunny that day when my labor was beginning and as it went to, got gloomy as I went into tradition (the hardest part of labor). Once I was fully in transition where I always dry heave (the fun part) it rained and a storm rolled through. I labored outside and felt this need to be alone in my room where time seemed to stop and I got frustrated again.
At the very end, I was getting annoyed with how never ending this seemed to be. It had been HOURS. I couldn’t stop looking at the clock, I was getting obsessed with how never ending it was and how I felt like nothing was even happening. I quit going into the birth pool because I felt like it was slowing things down which it probably was, so I just hip swayed on and on and layed down to rest. I did this cycle for a very long time. At that point I started swearing about how “this sucks!!” and “when the #$%$ will it be over with?!” I was about to cry out of frustration as I laid on the bed to say screw it when one of my doulas came in to talk to me. I said when will this s##t end!?! She said maybe it will be 2 more hours, maybe not - She started saying something else and my mind went blank and out of nowhere, my water breaks and I have this HUGE urge to push. Everyone comes running into the bedroom and gathers around me - and I'm like oh no, not again! I will NOT have this baby on the bed! Last time I did not get my water birth because everything happened so fast and I was determined to not let that happen again. I was also told to "get on the bed" when I didn't want to and I was still mad about that so I said “We have to go outside to the birth pool!” So I look up at my doula and ask if we can go outside and she's like “ok, LET'S GO!”
The baby is pretty low, ready to be born, I’m determined to make it to the pool which is outside. Eric and a few people help me walk about 100 feet to the birth tub and I start pushing again. It was so relieving to know after all of that time, I was at the finish line. I pushed for about 10 minutes which really seemed like 30 seconds. I again had this crazy emotional high where I felt so good I could cry, and pushing didn't phase me, it was just uncomfortable and a huge uncontrollable force. My girls were there watching and being really good, very intrigued by it all. My oldest was crying out of excitement and love. She was so happy to be a part of it! As baby emerged, Eric caught him and handed him to me, and when I held him it was pure relief, happiness and amazement. It was unbelievable to go through that journey, and realizing it was over as I held Felix for the first time. Its how you feel after hiking up a mountain. (I have hiked up many so its a legit comparison!) Everything came full circle after that. The midwife I chose who was so supportive and understanding through the whole pregnancy. The child birth classes I took and learned so much from. Especially with the inner work I had to do along the way after I accepted that I was pregnant and eventually embraced it rather than fought it. The prenatal yoga I did to be body and head strong. And by the way, my arms are the strongest they've ever been which was an awesome side effect. I did so much mental preparation to have this birth, but without knowing how it would all come together.
In the end, I had been transformed by this experience. I am not trying to be all granola with my story by the way. It really was a crazy superhuman experience for me. I had no idea birth could be such a learning experience and be so powerful and healing. That beauty is actually a feeling from within. I gained trust in myself and a perspective on life I hadn’t had before. More humble and appreciative of my surroundings, as well as grateful. The struggle opened my eyes to how I can better handle pain, emotional and physical. Nothing went how I thought it would go, it was the opposite of what I thought would happen, and was beyond what I expected.
----------------------
I can't thank my birth team enough for what they did for me and my family. Eric, my mom and my kids too. The experience was the best gift I've ever been given and I'm so thankful for it.
Birth and newborn pics by Natasha Lievano Photography Natasha Lievano
